Xavia

CW: body horror, dubcon (Temple of Procreation)

*doors close and lock behind you* hello, thank you for coming to my TED Talk, I have prepared a 300-slide presentation on why Grimmons is 1000% canon and also my OTP in this fandom and I am making it your problem.

Nothing I’m about to say is new or original; Grimmons is a well-documented ship that plenty of people have analyzed more thoroughly than I. But the point of a manifesto such as this one, especially in an established ship, is the reperformance and recitation of evidence and its affective resonances with the reteller (Derecho 74). The repetition is the point. Part of the reason Grimmons is the top ship in the fandom is that we enjoy seeing these idiots fall in love over and over again, so here, have the story again.

The first scene in the series is its most iconic and becomes a leitmotif throughout used by various characters to illustrate that the footsoldiers are not the enemy. Sarge uses a version of it to inspire the RnB to help Church and Tex, Church and Caboose echo it at the end of s5, the medieval soldiers say it, some background soldiers say it—it just comes back a lot and reflects both the existential aspirations and humour of the series. But the conversation is most associated, especially in the fandom, with Grif and Simmons. They’re the first to have this conversation—indeed the first two characters we meet—and it becomes a crucial signifier of their relationship.

Thus, meta-textually we know why this scene is important thematically and parasocially: it’s emotionally resonant to the audience when it returns. But why is it important to Grif and Simmons? Why is it what Grif uses in s15 to tell Simmons and his doppelgänger Gene apart? It’s presented in the first episode as just one of many moments during their long, boring assignment where they shot the shit, not as particularly memorable. Granted, it is rather early in their relationship; we find out in s14 that Grimmons met in basic and were assigned to Blood Gulch because they got Hammer killed (RIP). Simmons’ anxiety prevents Grif from having to do his workout, which Grif declares “the start of a singularly-beneficial relationship where you get me out of all these stupid boot camp drills” (14x2). But they hadn’t been at Blood Gulch all that long before the beginning of the series, and 14x3 showed how they settled into what became their dynamic of best friends who bicker all the time. There isn’t a lot to indicate why that moment sticks out.

Personally my headcanon is that that’s the moment Grif either first had a crush on Simmons or fell in love with him. We know that even early in BGC their dynamic was so distinct that Tucker, not even really knowing their names, deems them not a threat, telling Church, “it’s just the same two guys bickering like an old married couple. I’ve only been listening for like 5 minutes and I can already tell they’re really in love. Why can’t they see it?” (2x19). Tucker of course is not the only one to ship them (Jax “zooming in for the kiss” in 15x17 is one example), and in the “Diversity” PSA they acknowledge how much the fandom ships them:

Grif: Y’know, they say everyone’s at least somewhere on the fabulous spectrum.

Donut: It’s true! I think you two are some of the most fabulous people out there!
Simmons: Oh, I know, I read the forum comments too.

Geoff Ramsey (Grif’s actor) himself is rumoured to have said that Grif is clearly in love with Simmons as early as 2011 (c. s8-9), although my efforts to track down that quote have been foiled by link rot—if anyone has sources, please let me know! Anyway, my point is that it’s not outside the realm of possibility that Grif was in love with Simmons even in the pilot, which would make the resonance of the opening lines make more sense. And by s6, it’s implied Simmons loves him back when he tries to tell him something important before they’re (almost) executed by firing squad.

To be fair, a lot of this could be attributed to queerbaiting, given it was the early 00s and Grimmons has never been officially confirmed as canon. Their spin-off PSA mini-talk show Q vs. A very much capitalizes on the ship appeal of Grimmons, especially in the first episode, “Seasons 14-18: Watch or NOT?” (e.g. “I didn’t want to make my own morning show, I wanted to make one with you!”). Incidentally, in that episode Simmons refers to the show as Grimmons instead of Q vs. A, although the given title in each episode is different. The showrunners are fully aware the Internet, several characters, and several people on the creative team ship them and use that to their advantage. Considering they’ve never even canonically confirmed that Donut is as queer as everyone knows says he is, it’s highly likely they’re more interested in queerbaiting than presenting a complex queer relationship.

That said, the text still relies on that context of how much the fandom ships them to communicate the significance of one of the best scenes in s15, the Gene & Simmons fight. For context, Grif finally gets character development is given a hero arc in s15, and a large driving force of his arc is his relationship with Simmons. Given their entire history together—sharing a body, Grif almost falling off a cliff fighting the Meta, the heavy implication they slept together when the Temple of Procreation was activated, for starters—Simmons is hurt when Grif refuses to go with the rest of the RnB to rescue Church and elects to stay behind on Iris. We see traces of how much this bothers him when he’s paired with Caboose on the nightmare planet, such as Simmons turning to tell Grif a joke only for him not to be there, or Caboose observing “you talk about Grif a lot” (15x7). Grif isn’t much better off: he loses his mind living alone and makes volleyball versions of everyone, then tries to apologize to the Simmons volleyball before being interrupted by Locus and Lopez looking for his help (sidenote: this scene hits so much harder since the pandemic). By the time Grif comes to rescue everyone, he is eager to apologize to Simmons and does so the minute they get a moment alone.

The strength of their relationship is tested when Gene ambushes Simmons. The running joke this season has been that no one can tell Gene and Simmons apart (both are maroon, voiced by Gus Sorola, and pretty much identical personality-wise), despite Simmons hating him and thinking he’s nothing like him. Now, Grif has to do just that, thanks to the classic pick-the-right-one trope. As Gene and Simmons try to kill each other, Grif asks them a question:

Grif: Why are we here?

Gene/Simmons: What?

Grif: I said, why are we here? Answer me, now!

Gene: Because we need to stop these evil fucks, that’s why!
Simmons: No…we don’t know why we’re here. It’s still one of life’s great mysteries, isn’t it? (15x20)

(I’m fine this is fine ignore the giant tree branch in my eye.) The question is just as important to them as it is for us. Grif rescues Simmons and mentions how annoying Gene was, and all is right with them. Best friends? Lovers? Some other third thing? Regardless, their relationship is one of the most compelling in the show, and I love them so much, and also they’re boyfriends fight me.

Work Cited

Derecho, Abigail. “Archontic Literature: A Definition, a History, and Several Theories of Fan Fiction.” Fan Fiction and Fan Communities in the Age of the Internet, edited by Karen Hellekson and Kristina Busse, McFarland & Company, 2006, pp. 61-78.